Role of Husband

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Mentoring Tips

Make one-to-one mentoring easier by learning what to do and what not to do.  Click to learn more.

Tip#1 – Find your PLACE

  • Pray: simple yet powerful act
  • Listen: people want to feel heard
  • Ask: good questions foster productive dialogue
  • Consider: think slowly and biblically
  • Encourage: uplift rather than beat down
Tip#2 – Avoid the common mistakes

  • Fixing: this is a person, not a project
  • Preaching: walk alongside, don’t talk at or down to them
  • Carrying: show concern but don’t carry too heavy a burden
  • Blaming: no condemnation in Christ Jesus
  • Rescuing: you are not their savior!
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Scriptures
Hope
Help
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Conversations
Starters
    • What is your understanding of the role of a husband?  How do you think your spouse would answer that?
    • What is your understanding of how that differs from the role of a wife?  How do you think your spouse would answer that?
    • What would you like to change about the way you and your spouse relate as husband and wife?  What is currently keeping you from making those changes?
    • What was your father like as a role model?  In what ways have you as a husband imitated him or differed from him?
    • What do you think the Bible means when it says the husband is to be the “head” of the home?
    • Do you know any men who you consider good role models as husbands?  What qualities do you see in them that you admire?
    • Have you ever thought about asking those male role models any questions about their approach?  What would you ask?
    • Can you tell me a little about your relationship with God and how that influences your life as a man and as a husband?
    • What is your plan for becoming a better husband?  Are you reading any good books right now?
    • How can I best help you right now as a mentor?
Deeper Questions
    • Are you open to reading helpful resources on manhood and discussing them with me?
    • Does your behavior around your family engender respect or fear?
    • God’s Word teaches that husbands are to be servant/leaders in their homes.  What do you think that means?  Which aspect do you feel you have the hardest time succeeding at—being a servant or being a leader?
    • What do you think keeps you from being a servant/leader?  What have you tried in the past to overcome this barrier?  Why do you think that effort fell short of the goal?
    • How would you summarize what spiritual leadership should look like by a husband?  How do you think you are doing in that area?  What barriers do you find get in your way of being the spiritual leader in your home?
    • Do you have accountability with other godly men?  How do you think having such accountability helps you (or would help you) in your role as husband?
    • How do you think you can be a servant leader in your home even if your wife is not accustomed to you having that role?
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Resources
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Encouragement
Quotes
  • - Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Staying Close, p. 110

    “There is a lot of discussion today about what it means for a man to be ‘head of the home’ and ‘head of his wife.’ … It doesn’t mean that the man is to be lord and master of his manor, demanding his wife and children wait on him.  I believe Scripture teaches the husband to be the servant-leader of his home, giving direction, support, and love.”

  • - Robert Lewis, Rocking the Roles, p. 239

    “From the Bible’s perspective, a leader in the home is that man who accepts responsibility for his family—to love, provide for, and protect them and to direct them along biblical guidelines.  Given that, I believe every man can be a leader, regardless of his personality.  He can do it even if he lacks the inspiration, articulation, and vision of a natural leader.  Leadership of the family as a core responsibility is within the grasp of every man.”

  • - Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Growing a Spiritually Strong Family, p. 43

    “Many men, in particular, get too uptight about being the ‘spiritual leader in the home.’  Spiritual leadership is a lifelong process.  No one does it perfectly.  The easiest thing to do is nothing.  Don’t be passive; do something!”

  • - Stu Weber, Tender Warrior, p. 47

    “Initiation is the bottom line of masculinity. It means taking the lead … in providing, protecting, mentoring, and befriending. It means caring for and developing our mates, our children, and ourselves … Masculinity means initiation.”

  • - Bob Lepine, The Christian Husband, p. 53-54

    “Often our desire to please our wife or to keep the peace in our relationship will cause us to compromise.  While we are never to be inconsiderate of our wife’s feelings or her desires, we are to courageously follow God.  There will be times when she will not like our courage or our convictions.  She may choose to withhold affection or to lash out in anger.  There will be conflict.  In those moments you will think to yourself, ‘Surely God wants us to be at peace,’ and you may be tempted to weaken.  The courageous man will stand firm.”

  • - Bob Lepine, The Christian Husband, p. 202

    “A commitment to love our wives involves not only proactive, self-sacrificing love, but also the responsibility of being an agent of sanctification in our wives’ lives.  The goal of our love is to see our wives become more like Christ.”

  • - Stu Weber, Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart, p. 214

    “Men often joke about this assignment (I Peter 3:7): ‘Who can understand a woman?’  God has answered the question loud and clear.  You can.  You can understand a woman.  Husbands can understand wives if they will take the time and energy to focus on them as feminine persons who need their husbands’ honor.”

  • - Dennis Rainey, Preparing for Marriage, p. 172

    “Husbands are never told to order their wives to submit, but to love and lead them in such a way that makes it easy for them to do so voluntarily.”

  • - Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle, p. 197

    “Your wife is your precious one, your only one … She’s to be cherished, not because of what she does for you, but because of her essence, her value to God as a child born in His image.  You’ve been entrusted with the priceless essence of a human soul, so precious to God that at the foundation of the world He planned to pay His dearest price to buy her back again.”

  • - Stu Weber, Tender Warrior, p. 87

    “Why, in our culture, do so many discussions of male/female roles seem so painful, unfair, unreal, unfunny, and even preposterous?  Because of men who demand submission from their wives but in turn submit themselves to no one, including God … We cannot blame women for being frustrated because they fear the injustice of being under headship that itself is not accountable.”

  • - Robert Lewis, The New Eve, p. 169

    “The husband who uses the title of headship as a cover for control, dominance, or even abuse is not only not a head in the way the Bible sets forth but is instead a moral and spiritual failure.  Let me make this clear: When it comes to a man’s leadership in his home, male domination is never a teaching of the Bible.  But headship is.”

  • - Bob Lepine, The Christian Husband, p. 134

    “The husband who ‘serves’ his wife by continually yielding to her desires or her wishes is in fact asking her to do his job for him.  He’s ignoring his responsibility to lead.”

  • - Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, For Men Only, p. 76

    “When a woman thinks of security, her primary thought is not about a house, a savings account, or tuition for the kids.  For her, emotional security matters most: feeling emotionally connected and close to you, and knowing that you are there for her no matter what.”

  • - Kent Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Man, p. 35

    “Marriage is a call to die, and a man who does not die for his wife does not come close to the love to which he is called.  Christian marriage vows are the inception of a lifelong practice of death, of giving over not only all you have, but all you are.”

  • - Robert Lewis, Rocking the Roles, p. 64

    “A servant-leader husband is interested in arriving at the truth, in knowing what is right, not in who is ‘winning.’  He’s a man of truth, not a scorekeeper.  And he knows that his wife brings a valuable perspective and sensitivity to many issues that he barely understands.  So he values her input, and together they determine what is right.”

  • - Tim Kimmel, The High Cost of High Control, p. 33

    “We are called to manage our homes and families.  The problem comes when we assume so much management of others’ lives that we block their ability to learn and grow and so diminish their dignity.  The manager who controls to a fault blocks God’s ability to work in others’ lives and circumvents the excellent lessons they need to learn.”

Next Steps
    • Great job reaching out for mentoring regarding your role as a husband.  That takes courage.
    • Read any of the helpful Scriptures listed in this guide and discuss this with me
    • Read one of the FamilyLife articles related to this topic and discuss this material with me
    • Remember that God has not only commanded you to become a servant leader, but He is there to equip you for the job!
    • Remember that you are not alone in this.  Understanding servant leadership is a challenge for many Christian men.
    • Go connect with other men in a Men’s Fraternity group for accountability and growth
    • Read through Portrait of a Godly Husband, meditate on the Scriptures listed there, and discuss this with me
    • Confess where you have fallen short and ask God for the strength to change anything He wants changed
    • Offer unconditional love to your wife by putting her needs before your own.
    • Thank God that He did not wait for us to stop sinning before He loved us—we would be in tough shape if He did
    • Take the initiative to lovingly lead (and serve) and trust God to teach your wife to fill her godly role over time
    • Look to Jesus for guidance every day since He was the perfect model of servant leadership
    • You don’t have to be perfect before you start to lead your wife.  In fact, you do not really have to qualify for the role because God has given it to you like it or not!
    • Start by first being submissive to God and then taking initiative to lead your wife and family
    • Find one or two other husbands and meet with them regularly for mutual accountability and shared wisdom
    • Set your goal to love your wife as Christ loved the church
    • You should realize that although you will never lead perfectly, God will honor your efforts and is faithful to forgive times of failure
    • Discuss with your spouse how you see your roles divided.  Then discuss how you each feel about that.
    • Talk about any changes you would like to make in your current roles.